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you can't save me, you can't fail me
i'm back up on my feet, baby
28 December 2009 @ 03:11 pm
i feel strangely vindicated by this.
let the people who wrinkle their noses at utah because it's a jesus state take note: there are jesusier states. and we have prettier landscapes.
let the people who wrinkle their noses at utah because it's a jesus state take note: there are jesusier states. and we have prettier landscapes.
25 December 2009 @ 12:37 pm
13 November 2009 @ 09:54 am
this is just an addendum to my previous post about TWLOHA. my sister jennifer is the most wonderful, supportive sister i could ever ask for. she was there, living with me, through some of my darkest times. she put up with a lot from me, and even though she had to distance herself a little out of self-preservation, she never abandoned me. i love her completely, absolutely, and i know with all my heart that she loves me back just as much.
it was actually jen who told me a few days ago that today was TWLOHA day. this morning, while i was at work getting LOVE written on my arms, she sent me a text message. i didn't open it until i was alone in my office, and it's a good thing i did.
when i cut, it was always on my legs, just above my knees. some scars have faded, but some are still there. some of those, i know, will never leave.
the message from my sister was a picture. it was of her knees, with the word "Love" written very carefully, with hearts beneath, on the same spot where my scars are.
i wish everyone could have a sister like her. but even if they don't have a sister like that, there are people who will support them and love them. they just have to reach out and ask for it.
link to TWLOHA one more time.
it was actually jen who told me a few days ago that today was TWLOHA day. this morning, while i was at work getting LOVE written on my arms, she sent me a text message. i didn't open it until i was alone in my office, and it's a good thing i did.
when i cut, it was always on my legs, just above my knees. some scars have faded, but some are still there. some of those, i know, will never leave.
the message from my sister was a picture. it was of her knees, with the word "Love" written very carefully, with hearts beneath, on the same spot where my scars are.
i wish everyone could have a sister like her. but even if they don't have a sister like that, there are people who will support them and love them. they just have to reach out and ask for it.
link to TWLOHA one more time.
13 November 2009 @ 09:47 am
today is To Write Love on Her Arms day. for those of you who aren't familiar with TWLOHA, it is a foundation that creates awareness and assistance for people who are struggling with suicide, addiction, and self-harm. please please please go visit them here. here is a bit of information about them, from their site:
this foundation is really, really important to me. i've been doing the self-harm thing for a long, long time in one form or another. it escalated to cutting when i was a junior in college, and then got worse after i graduated, about three years ago. i also dealt with some ugly addictions and was hospitalized for a while for suicidal thoughts. i won't go into details, because i really don't want to glamorize it at all. it was a very bad time, and i am so, so grateful that i'm finally on my way out of it. my heart goes out to anyone, to everyone who ever feels like they have no choice but to hurt themselves or bury themselves in addiction or give up. i ache for you. i have been there, and i know how dark and hopeless it can feel.
but believe me, your best days are ahead. you are loved more than you will ever know. hope is real.
please support this cause and raise awareness for it. post about it on your lj, your blogs, facebook, twitter, whatever. write the word "love" on your arms today, and whenever anyone asks about it, tell them about TWLOHA. send them to their site. raise awareness and show your support.
this foundation is really, really important to me. i've been doing the self-harm thing for a long, long time in one form or another. it escalated to cutting when i was a junior in college, and then got worse after i graduated, about three years ago. i also dealt with some ugly addictions and was hospitalized for a while for suicidal thoughts. i won't go into details, because i really don't want to glamorize it at all. it was a very bad time, and i am so, so grateful that i'm finally on my way out of it. my heart goes out to anyone, to everyone who ever feels like they have no choice but to hurt themselves or bury themselves in addiction or give up. i ache for you. i have been there, and i know how dark and hopeless it can feel.
but believe me, your best days are ahead. you are loved more than you will ever know. hope is real.
please support this cause and raise awareness for it. post about it on your lj, your blogs, facebook, twitter, whatever. write the word "love" on your arms today, and whenever anyone asks about it, tell them about TWLOHA. send them to their site. raise awareness and show your support.
09 November 2009 @ 10:15 am
- i have no interenet.
- i do, however, have awesome friends.
- and an awesome apartment
- that is kind of a mess
- but i'm like 70% done
- and my bed is amazing
- and my dryer is absolute crap, but damn it at least it's mine.
- ikea gave me incorrect parts for my nightstand
- but i can't find my reciept.
- i am pretty much head to toe bruises
- and i feel like i'm about a hundred years old
- but i'm in my own apartment
- and it is amazing
- even though i miss the internet
- and goodnight hugs
19 September 2009 @ 10:04 am
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?... Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-- Marianne Williamson
-- Marianne Williamson
12 September 2009 @ 11:38 pm
in the book of my life, you will have pages upon pages devoted to you, with each word lovingly written in gold. and at the end of your chapter, when it comes to a close, there will be a fresh page:
part two
in the morning, she opened her eyes, and her heart was still beating.
part two
in the morning, she opened her eyes, and her heart was still beating.
19 July 2009 @ 04:35 pm
I glance at the clock. I stopped wearing watches years ago. "You're early."
I get no reply, but it hardly matters. I wasn't expecting one.
"You couldn't wait another two months?" I would have preferred three, but one can never be picky about these things. I sigh and glance at the clock again. Another two months. That would have been eight weeks. Nearly nine. Eight times seven equals fifty-six. Plus how many? Six? That's sixty-two. Times twenty-four is one thousand, four hundred eighty-eight. One thousand, four hundred eighty-eight hours I could have had. Maybe more good than bad. Though by the looks of things, it wouldn't have been. I look away from the clock. "You're greedy."
But all the same, I slip from my chair and onto the ground. The sky is brilliant blue, not a cloud to be seen. The heat is still oppressive, but as I close my eyes, it fades. The first touch is like a kiss, brushing against the back of my right hand. The second follows not long after, and the third and fourth. At first the weight is nothing-- nothing more than the weight of my clothes against my body. But by the thousandth, the hundred thousandth, it's begun to weigh on me, pressing on me, making my ribs ache. I tip my head back and try to suck in a breath, but there's no air left. Only dust and mold and damp, dark earth that tastes like cinnamon and rot.
But I let it happen. A hundred thousand, two hundred thousand. It has to happen. Time has taught me this, because it happens every year, so there must be a reason. There has to be a reason. There has to be a reason the leaves fall. A reason they bury me and crush my bones and make my heart ache. There has to be a reason for the autumn, even when it comes two months early.
I would have preferred three.
Someday I'll learn the reason why.
10 May 2009 @ 01:05 pm
i think i just had a near-perfect weekend. my friend ross came to visit, and though there were some bumpy moments, when i look back at this weekend (still so recent, of course) all i can feel is a warm little glow. i won't gush, but oh i wish for more weekends like that.
i had a thought last night as i was hauling wood through the north fork park up provo canyon and trying not to fall on my face. we hear the statistics about how... i don't know... every five minutes someone dies of insert horrible disease here , or every minute and a half someone insert horrible circumstance here . but consider this. considering the population of the world at this time, it is very likely that this moment, this one you're in right as you're reading this, at least one of the billions of people in this world is having one of the best moments of their lives-- something deep and warm and glowing that they will never ever forget.
isn't that a nice thought?
somewhere in this world, someone is just radiating happiness. and i am so so happy for them.
i had a thought last night as i was hauling wood through the north fork park up provo canyon and trying not to fall on my face. we hear the statistics about how... i don't know... every five minutes someone dies of insert horrible disease here , or every minute and a half someone insert horrible circumstance here . but consider this. considering the population of the world at this time, it is very likely that this moment, this one you're in right as you're reading this, at least one of the billions of people in this world is having one of the best moments of their lives-- something deep and warm and glowing that they will never ever forget.
isn't that a nice thought?
somewhere in this world, someone is just radiating happiness. and i am so so happy for them.